Not too long ago I was at a party and got to talking to this girl and she asked me “why don’t you have a girlfriend?” I said “don’t know, really” since I really had no big well thought out answer at the time. The only questions I'm used to being asked at a party are “Why don’t you drink” (that’s another blog right there) and “hey….can you go buy us some beer/tacos/kiddy pool of pudding since you’re sober?” Since then I've given it a little bit of thought and have come up with quite a few reasons as to why I don’t have a girlfriend.
The Short Answer: women are quite insane. I chalk this one up to biology. If my naughty parts bled for a few days every month and it felt like I had upside down heartburn in my pants, I’d be quite mad too.
A few of my friends have had girlfriends that just get on my nerves over the past few years by being stupid. Not all, so if you’re an ex or current girlfriend of one of my friends, shut up. I might not be talking about you or someone you know. But, they are very cool to talk to when the dude in question isn’t around, and I’ve actually be able to carry on a conversation with most of them quite well. But only when the dude in question isn’t around. By the same token, the dude seems to lose some of his personality when she’s in the room. Like an animal that’s been abused. And let’s face it, that happens. I’ve dated some girls that I just wanted to hit with a brick and leave behind the IHOP dumpster. Sometimes its pure stupidity. I dated this girl in high school that I had to explain movies too. Guy-type movies I can understand. You have boobs, and therefore need to know what happened to Bruce Willis’ shoes in ‘Die Hard’: that’s completely understandable. That’s what guys were made for: explaining dude-flicks, opening jars, squishing spiders and keeping you warm since the female body generates no heat from eons of standing next to the stove. That’s how evolution fucking works. Don’t look at me like that. You lose skills you don’t use on a regular basis… its science, not a bake sale, and your small lady brain just doesn’t understand it. Anyhow, where was I? Oh yeah, but date movies that I have to explain? That’s a little much. I had to explain the symbolism of the black and white turning to colour in ‘Pleasantville’ like 15 times to this one girl I was dating. Eventually I just got so frustrated and said “if you keep talking while I’m watching this movie, I’m not only going to kill you and your family, but I will kill everyone with your last name in the fucking phonebook!!!!!!” And she asked again and I threatened to go get a phonebook and a sword, so she started crying and shut up. And ladies I have to tell you: crying is fucking blackmail. The male mind has NO idea how to process a crying woman. We’re not sure if were supposed to help you stop crying, of just let you cry and console you, or if were supposed to go beat something up for making you cry….we really have no idea. So we just give you the awkward hug and let you cry yourself to sleep and then throw a blanket over you and leave as quickly as we can. Its instinct. Like you and yard sales. See? Now you get it. So yeah, that’s pretty much why I don’t have a girlfriend. Women are crazy, I’m broke and I don’t want the hassle killing a whole page of the phonebook with a sword.
That’s it for now, kids.
Dr. Robinson
